Sex…it’s not a drive
You’ve likely heard the term “sex drive” many times, but did you know that the desire for sex is actually not a “drive” at all?
In her book, Come As You Are, author Emily Nagoski does an impeccable job at describing why the term “sex drive” is actually incorrect because sex is not a drive at all. She explains how a “drive” is a “biological mechanism” designed to keep us at “healthy baseline”. Drives include hunger, thirst, fatigue, thermoregulation, etc. These all occur due to “aversive” or uncomfortable internal states that we get which push us to seek our needs such as getting food when hungry, water when thirsty, sleeping when fatigued, or grabbing a sweater when cold.
“There is no baseline to return to and no physical damage that results from not ‘feeding’ your sexual desire” (pg.230). Nagoski continues with explaining that sex is actually considered an “incentive motivational system” which means that instead of feeling pushed towards something due to an uncomfortable internal feeling we are being pulled towards an “attractive external stimulus”.
This information is important to know because it clarifies and validates the wide range of perfectly healthy and normal types of desire people experience. As Nagoski states, 30 percent of women rarely or never experience “spontaneous desire” or desire that just “appears” when you may be eating lunch or see an attractive person, this is in contrast to the 75 percent of men who do experience desire in this way. This difference can often cause issues in relationships on both ends and this belief that desire is a “drive” just continues to further the issue by invalidating the non-spontaneous desired individuals and leaving those who do experience spontaneous desire confused why their partners may not.
It is also important to note that this widely held belief throughout our culture causes a sense of sexual entitlement that has allowed for sexual assault and sexual enslavement to continue. Nagoski also mentions another great book, Half the Sky, by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn, which she states “illustrates how the assumption that boys require outlets to ‘relieve their sexual frustrations’ facilitates the sexual enslavement of impoverished girls”.
This is just a small snippet of the vast amount of incorrect information we are fed throughout our culture when it comes to sexual health. I feel passionate about continuing to provide corrective sexual health education to anyone who will listen. It is vital that we change how we understand and relate to both our own sexual identities as well as those of others around us in order to promote healing and end unhealthy cycles. If you are interested in reading more from Come As You Are or want to check out Half the Sky please look at your local library or order them online.
If you relate to any of this information and feel that you would benefit from having a safe space to dive into these topics more, please reach out today to schedule an intake or a free consultation with me!
